Please Hold, While I Sue You
Watch & Listen
Released: July 29th, 2026
Lyrics
# PLEASE HOLD WHILE I SUE YOU
**[Spoken Intro]**
This call may be monitored or recorded
for quality assurance…
and use as Exhibit A.
**[Verse 1]**
My phone rang early Tuesday,
some jackass selling loans,
Said, “You’ve been pre-approved, sir!”
Like we were lifelong bros.
I said, “This is my private number.
Put me on your do-not-call.”
He said, “We’ll update our records”—
then called back twice that fall.
I used to hate those bastards,
every buzz and every ring,
Now I hear that ringtone playing
and the cash register sings.
I don’t yell, and I don’t threaten.
I just document it all—
Date and time and caller ID,
boys, keep making that call!
**[Chorus]**
Call me, call me, baby—
ignore the law again!
Five hundred when you screw it up,
three times when you intend.
You keep dialing, I keep filing,
it’s the easiest job I do.
If you’re calling ’bout a business loan,
please hold while I sue you.
Oh, call me, call me, baby—
my courthouse shoes are shined.
Your autodialer’s working hard
to supplement my income line.
I said, “Stop,” you heard, “Keep going!”
Hell, who am I to argue with you?
Leave your name after the tone—
please hold while I sue you.
**[Verse 2]**
White Shore got the paperwork.
You’d think they’d take the hint.
The summons said, “You’re being sued,”
in lovely twelve-point print.
But somewhere in their call room
some genius screamed, “Encore!”
They called the man who sued their ass
to sell him one loan more.
Now that takes dedication.
That’s commitment to the bit.
It’s like robbing the same courthouse
while your trial’s happening in it.
I almost had to thank them—
“Your evidence came through.
I’ll attach today’s new phone call
to the case I filed on you.”
**[Chorus]**
Call me, call me, baby—
ignore the law again!
Five hundred when you screw it up,
three times when you intend.
You keep dialing, I keep filing,
it’s the easiest job I do.
If you call me after service,
please hold while I sue you.
Oh, call me, call me, baby—
don’t let good judgment interfere.
I preserve your dumb decisions
by the date, the time, and year.
You had one job: stop calling.
That was apparently too hard to do.
So stay right there, don’t hang up—
please hold while I sue you.
**[Verse 3]**
Then another smooth-talking salesman
said, “Are you stupid, sir?”
I said, “You’re calling after I told you not to—
which one of us were you referring to there?”
He thought he’d really burned me.
He laughed and strutted proud.
I saved the time, I saved the number,
and I thanked him right out loud.
’Cause insults aren’t a payment,
but they sure can set the scene:
A company that knows I said to stop
and calls me anyway—real keen.
He called me stupid on the phone;
maybe someday he’ll learn
that insulting your own plaintiff
ain’t the flex that you discerned.
**[Breakdown]**
I said, “Do not call me.”
They said, “We’ll call at eight.”
I sent a written notice.
They said, “We’ll call you late.”
I filed the damn complaint.
They called to “follow through.”
At this point, boys, I’m begging—
What else can stupid do?
**[Bridge – Spoken Like a Courtroom Auctioneer]**
Do I hear five hundred?
Five hundred—now fifteen!
Do I hear another phone call
from a number I ain’t seen?
Going once!
Going twice!
Oh, somebody called again!
Mark it knowing, mark it willful,
tell your counsel where you’ve been.
And congratulations, caller—
you’ve won our grandest prize:
A numbered court exhibit
and a chance to testify!
**[Final Chorus]**
Call me, call me, baby—
let that dialer run all night!
Every opt-out you ignore
makes my evidence look bright.
You sell money for a living;
now you’re handing some to me too.
What a beautiful business model—
please hold while I sue you.
Oh, call me, call me, baby—
I’m no longer getting mad.
Every ring’s a little dividend
from choices that were bad.
You could stop and save your money,
but that’s apparently beyond your crew.
So leave a message at the beep—
please hold while I sue you.
**[Outro]**
Your call is very important to me.
Please remain on the line
while I calculate statutory damages.
**[Cash-register sound]**
Thank you for calling.
**[Phone rings again]**
Well, shit.
**[Final guitar hit]**
Exhibit B.